Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
