I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
did i walk over a car last night?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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