my sisters under your porch take her home
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
