I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
