i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
