i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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