Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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