Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.