Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.