i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
