note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
