We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
time to smoke my breakfast
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
