when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
