oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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