Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
