first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
