when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You were trust falling into bushes
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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