You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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