guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
