I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
