True but thats because hes a fetus.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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