I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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