just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
