I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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