you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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