I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
