Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
