Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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