i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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