Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
