dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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