i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The beer is more important than you right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
