Your dad touched me again.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
