Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
