she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
