i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
