At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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