My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize