3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
