Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
