So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
