whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He did a backflip because drugs
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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