I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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