I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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