The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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