We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
