your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
