I wish I could punch you in the face.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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