I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
