I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
