Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
