I think I died a long time ago.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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