I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
