Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
