I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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