just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
