Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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