he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
