Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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