Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"