dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
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Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.