I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.