I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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