Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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