Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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